I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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