So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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