god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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