Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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