everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
