I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
