yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Found the puke drawer
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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