I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
