It's Friday. Sex?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
