Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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