i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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