Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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