I think my fart just growled at me.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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