you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
