So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
