also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
