WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
