If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
