I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
