Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
