he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
