So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
