alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
