At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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