Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
