this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
