Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
