Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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