I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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