I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
