so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
