Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
