Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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