You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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