I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Found your dick twin last night
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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