I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
