i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
