It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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