mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I have already put on my inside pants.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
