My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
