if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He has the fingertips of a God
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