I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
