She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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