sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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