i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
