tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
