this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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