so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
