Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
