I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
