Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
