Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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