pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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