Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize