i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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