Four minutes until I can fart!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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