Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
