put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
