I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
