A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
where are my eyebrows?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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